Day 105-107 Sept 22-24, 2010

Wed Sept 22 Back to work from this day until Sept 30! All grave schedule with 2 days on swing. I wasn't able to sleep all day cuz I went to bed to early the night before, despite all efforts to stay up all night. I was going to join some friends at the state fair but sometime in the afternoon it started raining, and never cleared up. The fair closed, extending there $2 entrance fee until Thursday. I had gotten ready just in case the weather cleared in order to meet my friends at the fair. The weather having not cleared, she asked if I would like to go to a meeting. We were gonna go to a 5pm meeting but as we were driving there and it was getting late and we were going to be extremely late to the meeting I suggested we go to the 6pm meeting instead and we would still have time to stop and get a Keva juice! We decided this was a wonderful idea. It was drizzling a bit and cold, but the meeting was good.  When we came out of the meeting it was torrential downpour the entire drive home. We had gotten soaked just going the 2 feet to the car. I was glad I had asked if she would drive. We were both feeling emotionally drained and saddened by finding out several of our friends had left the program. I warmed up a bit before having to go sleepily to work. The rain had let up some on part of my drive, for which I was grateful. By morning it had let up to a sprinkle and I had hoped it would dry up enough to be able to go to the fair that evening.
Thurs Sept 23 I slept less than I would have liked to, but got up in time to get ready for the fair. I met my friends there after the sun had gone down. We walked through as many of the exhibits as we could before they closed them. I enjoyed a turkey leg while the others enjoyed a funnel cake. We found fresh spun cotton candy shared by all 3. I helped myself to a delicious caramel apple, my favorite fair food. We went a few rides before I needed to make my way back to work. It was a great time! Plus it was perfect weather for walking around the fair. I was glad to have gotten to go. Work was surprisingly busy, and I had left over turkey leg to enjoy. Plus plenty of time to do some studying of the third tradition for the next morning review with my sponsor.
Fri Sept 24 After a long busy night, and staying an extra half hour at work(a coworker forgot his badge), I headed to the house to kill some time before going over the third tradition with my sponsor. I decided to pack up my desk, which took up 2 boxes. I will try and pack slowly the rest of everything to not have to leave it all till the last minute. Luckily I do not have to much stuff, but I only have my car to haul everything so it does have to fit in a small amount of space. I got to talk with the sponsor for an hour, which was nice. I headed right to bed after that to rest up for dinner at the mansion before work!  I awoke in enough time to get ready(I'm finally adjusted sleep wise back to the grave schedule) and head out for dinner. I felt very adult driving to the Luna Mansion where I had 8:30 dinner reservations for 4 of us. It was a wonderful laid back evening with good conversation, excellent food, fine dining atmosphere. I treated myself to dessert, because it looked good when it was brought to another table. It was delicious. Sometimes food is exquisite. Tonight was one of those times. After dinner we walked around the mansion and marveled at its structural integrity, beauty and simplicity considering its mansion status. We said a small lingering goodbye noting that it may be the last time I see one particular friend and off our separate ways we went.

Day 98-104 Sept 16-21, 2010

Day 98 Thurs 16 another swing shift
Day 99 Fri 17 I got up early and headed to work for a blood pressure screening and information about cholesterol and a free pedometer, which had done nothing but let me know that i am not getting enough steps in a day(10, 000 is what is the minimum for the average american. I walked on my highest day approx 4, 000).  I then headed into the city to pick up some things at Michaels for my party, then back to the lunas some girly grooming at the fabulous salon that I found now that I'm leaving. Then I headed to work looking forward to my party.
Day 100 Sat 18 Party Day! I was up early to do my last minute errands, and pick up my ice cream cake for the party. Back at the ranch I began cooking eggs for my famous deviled eggs that everyone loves, and also made chocolate candies. I put together prizes for the games, and gathered game stuff as well. All that took up all the time till it was time for the party. It never ceases to amaze me who shows up and who doesn't and how that differs from my expectations. It was a greatly fun party. There were great people, great food, great weather and tons of fun. After everyone left, I cleaned up all the dishes and headed to bed full and happy.
Day 102 Sun 19 Another swing shift, with the leftover candies from the party and the best entertaining co-workers, so tons of laughs!
Day 103 Mon 20 The first of 2 days off in a row. Very exciting. Of course I woke up early. I still managed to be late to the good meeting. We had planned on going to karaoke on the big stage. We followed the gps and it took us literally to the middle of nowhere with nothing, only to find out that there was no karaoke on the big stage, so we went to the bowling alley. Where later in the evening I ended up making out with the kj, after a summer of flirtation. I realized this is the first person I've done anything with since "the breakup." And it felt okay. It wasn't stellar but it definitely felt good to be wanted, and flirted with. The night came to an end and extremely tired I headed back to the ranch, where I fell asleep watching tv.
Day 104 Tues 21 I woke up way to early once again, and couldn't sleep, so I decided I would get up. Since we knew for sure karaoke was on the big stage tonight we rearranged our plans of going to Luna mansion till Friday night in order to go to karaoke. Sometime in the afternoon I was way too tired from having gotten up so early and took a nap until I needed to get up and ready. I headed out to go to an early meeting to make karaoke by 7:30, but was running so late that I decided I would take myself out to dinner at a restaurant a friend had previously recommended next to the stellar gellato shop. I didn't feel like reading the menu and making a decision at the restaurant so I asked the cashier with the gorgeous eyes(which is the second albuquerque restaurant with a gorgeous eyed cashier). He didn't just haphazardly recommend anything, but asked me some questions and matched me with a meal that was perfection. Every bite was delightful and I felt no guilt about my food, just sheer enjoyment. Then I grabbed a delicious gellato which now paled in comparison to my absolutely splendiforous dinner. I took a walk down the street and back to my car, then headed up to karaoke. They actually had a dj and dancing that started at 7:30 and karaoke didn't start till 9:30. I got to sing 3 times, which was a lot considering the amount of people in the place and one of those was a duet with a guy who had sung a country song amazingly in the beginning of the evening. There was a ton of fabulous people watching to do and an absolutely perfect couple sitting next to us were just amazing to watch. They just fit perfectly together, and she had the most perfect body I have ever seen. I had to tell her, and we talked for a bit and I found out she had 2 children the oldest of which had just turned 21, they had just started dating 2 weeks ago, he is in a band and his mother was a gospel singer. Why is it so easy to get to know a complete stranger and yet so hard for me to say hi to a newcomer? I need to work on that. I had a wonderful time socializing and I am learning how to enjoy life. Now I realize I need to keep the fun in my life to stay in balance completely. This has been an amazing learning summer and I think in spite of myself I've gone through a non-painful growth period. I've truly learned how to live in today, amongst many other things. I look forward to another day.

Day 95, 96, 97 Sept 14, 15, 16 2010

Day 95 Sept 14 another exciting day of graveyard shift!
Day 96 Sept 15 I am 29 years old. While working on my grave shift, I decided to journal. I had learned earlier in the evening that when I have no opinion one way or another about something it is because I am lacking information. At the beginning of my journal I started with I have no opinion one way or another about this birthday. Then following my earlier discovery decided to look at my 29 trips around the sun on this planet, and felt younger than I have in a while. I realized there were a lot of bad things that have happened and that made me feel not so good, but then I took at look at all the things I have accomplished, and was feeling very incredibly amazed at my life, and was filled with the knowledge that I've done a good job of living it to it's fullest, especially in the last few years being inspired with an intense motivation to make every day count! I also took a look at where I imagined myself to be in relation to where I was. What I discovered is there's still some unchased dreams in my life and made a commitment to myself to follow those in the next few years of my life. The big one being living in my own little studio in New York and working in theater. Big wide world watch out, I've got thoughts, ideas, goals that will work there way into plans!
After work, I couldn't sleep so I watched tv for a few hours, till I was finally tired enough to lay down. I slept for 4 hours, then headed to work for a meeting. I stopped at Baskin Robbins along the way and ordered my cake for the party. I am very excited about my cake. I went to the work meeting, and was suddenly feeling awake and not ready to go back to the house and to bed. So I took myself to see Eat, Pray, Love, which I thought was playing at the theater in town but after getting there I realized was not, so I drove back out to Albuquerque because I just wasn't ready to call it a night. I'm glad I did, because the movie was good, then I was tired and ready to go to bed. I did, but didn't get much sleep and awoke very early this morning.
Day 97 Sept 16. I've been up since 7:30am. I did some laundry, to have a clean work shirt. I called ventura county public records in search of information on my half-sister or her mother to try and locate them. I don't know that I really want out of meeting her, but I have this overwhelming sense of wanting to know her, so I am following that sense. Then I had a nice talk with my sponsor, after which my mom and I talked for a little over a half hour. Then we looked at the guest house and saw its progress and talked about the things that still need doing, etc. Then played ball with the dogs, and have been watching tv and passing some time until work. Which now it's time to get ready and head out. I am soooo tired that hopefully when I come home I can crash.

Day 82-94 Sept 1-13

Some of the days specifics I can't remember, so they only reflect the event in my calendar.
82 Wed Sept 1 day off.
83 Thurs Sept 2 work 2-10
84 Fri Sept 3 work 3-11
85 Sat Sept 4 work 3-11
86 Sun Sept 5 work graveyard
87 Mon Sept 6 work graveyard
88 Tues Sept 7 work graveyard
89 Wed Sept 8 meeting at 2, work graveyard. I was supposed to start a computer class offered at work, but as the day was growing new and I started into my upcoming schedule and had thus decided to leave on Oct 1 and the class did not end until Oct 13, I decided not to take it. Sleep was not going to be continually, as half way through my typical sleep time there was a mandatory work meeting. That kind of sucked, since it turned out only to be 1/2 hour and I had to drive 1/2 hour each way plus break up my sleep. I technically got enough sleep. Oh well what's one day in my life that I barely remember now, not even a week later? How important was it? Although I wasn't feeling well and very grateful to have the next day off.
90 Thurs Sept 9 day off! My intention was to go to the local in town meeting, but I slept right through it. I slept for 12 hours, and what I didn't know yet was I had gotten sick. Not a flu or a cold, just one of those times where my auto-immune diseased body just wasn't working at a normal rate and had become drained of the energy to do much of anything remotely simple, including showering and the likes. I spent the day sleeping, woke up in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, camped myself in front of the tv until I was tired enough to do some more sleeping and headed to bed.
91 Fri Sept 10 sick day :(....to be rudely awakened by my alarm and this overwhelming sense of just not feeling good. The blah lack of energy and motivation sense that I had not realized actually started the day before. I decided that I simply needed a shower and that would do the trick, since I had gotten more than plenty of sleep the day before. After my shower and still feeling not good I headed into my room for work clothes at which moment my bed just needed to be made! In the effort of making my bed I became increasingly aware of the fact that I was not going to suddenly get a burst of energy that would take me through the next 8 or so hours. I still was trying to deny it and debating in my head whether or not to push myself when she came in my doorway to talk to me. At which point opening my mouth I uttered a grumble that sounded like I feel like crap and she suggested I call in sick to work. I instantly agreed and yet debated for another 10 minutes or so, still not wanting it to be true. I finished making the bed and drained completely of all my energy after such a menial task decided that I would in fact call in sick. I felt terrible because I know how short handed we are, but I know taking care of me comes first. I was ultimately grateful to have done so, as the day wore on I felt worse and worse and drifted in and out of bouts of sleeping alternating with a sincere feeling of ickyness. I planted myself on the sofa in front of the tv and at some point during one of my sleep sessions which I awoke from found that one of my housemates had added an additional blanket to my small throw I was donning. I smiled in the gratitude and compassion of the gesture and continued to just be. At some point I made it to my room, sick of the television and sofa and in need of consistent sleep, and found it to be a lost cause, but lay there and tried anyways.
92 Sat Sept 11 sick missed Andy's party. I was grateful to know Andy's party would not be until the evening and had decided that as long as I rested all day I would in fact feel well enough to attend. I only had to drive into albuquerque since I was carpooling with her and her new man. I planted myself once again in front of the tv at the point that I could not sleep any longer and spent the day watching tv and drifting in and out of sleep. I still wasn't feeling any better but was trying to muster the energy to get up and get to the party! I was sleeping when my alarm to get up and get ready went off. I stood up, picked my blanket up off the sofa, headed into the bedroom to put it away, crawled into bed and went to sleep, thinking when I wake up in a few hours I will just drive to the party and be a little late. A few hours ended up being about 10 hours. I awoke, checked the clock, was sad to have missed the party and decided I would stay in bed and sleep until I needed to be up for work the next afternoon. Alas, I was no longer tired. I rejoined the living room sofa and turned on the tv. Somewhere around a weird nothing on tv hour, I took to amusing myself making fun of infomercials, until a disney movie came on(they play movies in the middle of the night, for who I'm not sure). Unable to get any more sleep I squared with the fact that by the time I got off work I would be up for 24 hours. I decided I would go to the meeting, come back and nap for a bit before work and be alright.
93 Sun Sept 12 corrales, lunch, work 3-11. I finally had enough energy to force myself up and out. Knowing myself I grabbed my work clothes in case I should feel not tired and want to go out fellowshipping. I'm grateful to have such an intimate knowledge of myself, since this is precisely what happened. Still having felt bad for missing the party I was grateful to see people at the meeting, and get great hugs. I did in fact join a good group of people at an Italian buffet for lunch where I amazed several people by eating pasta. It was good, but I should not have had a second helping. The second helping was not nearly as good and really, I feel made the discomfortable bloatey feeling later that much worse. I was at work about 1/2 hour earlier than I needed to be so I grabbed a quick nap in the car in the parking lot. I'm glad I did cuz I think it helped me get through the next 6 and 1/2 hours. Sadly it was quite dead at work. Luckily the co worker I was working with is a fantastic conversationalist and that kept me entertained for several hours. Somewhere toward the end of my shift I was soooooo tired and rested my head on my clothes and closed my eyes for about 10 minutes interrupted only by the one phone call that my very understanding kind coworker who was answering calls for me couldn't get to. That took me up to the last 1/2 hour of the shift in which we just chatted the time away. The 10 minutes or so that I closed my eyes for did miracles for allowing me to be awake enough to drive back to the ranch safely. I got in, skipped the nightly routine of brushing my teeth and washing my face and crashed in bed from sheer exhaustion. Nothing disturbed my sleep. It was like a Nyquil knockout sleep sans the Nyquil.
94 Mon Sept 13 grave shift, killer headache I slept an exact 8 hours and awoke earlier than I needed to be up for meeting and graveyard shift, unable to close my eyes and sleep anymore. I brushed my teeth and washed my face and suddenly decided that the overwhelming dirt in the bathroom was motivation enough to have the energy to clean it! I also determined that I would dust the living room as well. After tackling the bathroom, I had drained the little energy that I had gained back and decided I would rest for a bit then tackle the dusting. I planted myself on the sofa, and after a few minutes determined I needed to get enough rest that I wouldn't be so tired being up another 24 hours by the time I actually got home from my impending graveyard shift, with every intention of going to the meeting that night. After sitting for only a moment I was struck by this insane headache. Nothing else felt that icky sick I'd been feeling for days, but my head was throbbing, and stabbing, and shooting sharp pains across itself. The first round of tylenol barely dulled the sensation and the moments where I would get sleepy enough to maybe nap, the pain dictated otherwise. I increased my water intake accordingly and took another round of tylenol when I figured enough time had passed. Somewhere in the interm I washed my towels. So now the bathroom and my towels were clean, which when I did go to take a shower made me feel quite good. Around the time that I would need to get ready to make the meeting my head pain had increased and I battled with the idea of not going for an hour before determining that I would not be able to accomplish sitting through the meeting or fellowship and a full night at work. I was rather unhappy about the fact that work had to come over my recovery, but many times since I've had this job I have been faced with this unbalance. The worst part being that I have always preached recovery is my priority and there is always time for recovery. Which has been true for me till this point in my recovery, and now my truth has shifted, with a deeper understanding, empathy and compassion. Around 7:30pm the pain had subsided enough to let me sleep, and I did so for and hour and a half until my alarm to get up and get going silently vibrated itself off the table, waking me not with its vibrations but its crash to the floor. Surprising myself with an ease and speed of getting showered and dressed I had an extra half hour to spare which I filled with and over due lower half of my leg-waxing. Ahh the joys of the mundane tasks of life. Movies make these things so much more glamorous. I made it to work on time and now sit here catching up on facebook posts, 2 weeks of back blog, some writing and talking to my coworker at the front desk. I figured if I got exhausted I could rest my head uninterrupted for at least an hour. Which is normally true. The ringing phone would wake me. It appears as though my hour and half nap knocked out the worst of my headache and has given my insomnia enough energy to stay up all night. I can sleep all day tomorrow, and wake when I wake. I am gradually gaining back my energies and I know the process will be slow over the next few weeks. I look forward with much excitement to my road trip back to cali via the grand canyon for 2 days and my mom's for a week or soish. I am grateful to have a room to rent when I get back in town starting in November, and friends who will host me until then. I am free of the chains of my biological family and so grateful always for choices in my life(and my mom!). That about catches me up. In 2 weeks this adventure blog will see its end, and live forever immortalized amongst the streaming internet.

Day 79-81 August 29-August 31, 2010

Day 79 August 29 Went to an audition at 1pm for an original play. I was actually nervous, dry mouth, shakey hands and all. I was given a monologue and after my initial reading the director actually gave me some direction. That's the first time that's happened on a first audition for me. It felt amazing to be in a theater acting again. Even if I don't get the part, I will continue to check for auditions so I can be working toward my dreams, especially now that I am switching to grave shift at work. I headed into old town to check out the angel town store that I had seen hidden previously and met I think the owner who was from California and knew Moorpark. She commented how happy I looked to be there. I hadn't even noticed how good it made me feel to be in a theater again! Plus I was thrilled to be in the angel store. I headed into work and there was a terrible accident on the freeway so I was an hour late. It was like La traffic without the benefit of actually being in La when I actually got where I was going! I worked until 11pm and tried to stay up as late as I could because the following 2 days I was working grave. Then I have Wednesday off and the rest of the week I work swing, then move to full time grave next Monday! I am so excited.
Day 80 August 30 I woke up at 11am despite not going to bed until 5am, having crashed on the sofa and woke stiff at 5 to move to the bedroom. I decided to do a few loads of laundry and just veg in front of the tv so as not to do too much strenuous stuff before the evening. We left for the meeting early to run a few errands in the city, enjoyed a meeting, went out for sushi after, then went to karaoke where the kj appropriately deemed the evening The Sarahjoy and Jessica show since we were the only 2 singers! We sang 3 songs each and I ended up being late(which made every day since I've been back from Cali.) That was enough and made a commitment to myself to stop being late. I was exhausted having been up so early in the morning but enjoyed my grave shift, and getting to know my coworker who works front desk grave. I'm starting to feel less out of place.
Day 81 August 31 I stopped at Starbucks before having to go to court for my recent speeding ticket, since I had an hour to kill before needing to be in court. I grabbed a bite to eat and a pumpkin spice latte, which was delicious, and played bejeweled for the hour. Upon arriving to court I checked in and was directed to the courtroom and judge I was to see. I was rather appalled at the fact that I was there. There was a lot of waiting and wondering(actually only about 10 minutes worth), and many other people as well. The judge had a large stack of files and announced that any one who plead guilty to their violation and agreed to make a donation to a local children's program would have their violation dismissed. I disagreed with my violation but for dismissal plead guilty and agreed to the donation plus court cost. Totaling $111 to have a clear record, I am grateful. Yet my emotions are mixed, ultimately I am supremely grateful but on the other hand I feel this twinge of I can't put my finger on it that bothers me about the lack of consequences to our actions. It feels like buying my way out of something, which I am against. I am doing it anyway. I have made a commitment to myself to donate more than what was sentenced to express my gratitude and because I like the charity. I headed to the house with my mixed emotions and headed to bed. I awoke much earlier than I wanted to and vegged once again in front of the tv until I needed to get ready to go. I received a text message about extra casting for the movie Fright Night which is filming at the Hard Rock, but did not receive the whole thing. Luckily the e-mail was in my inbox and I was able to call and submit for it. The call time is 7am, which is when I get off my shift. I called and submitted so I guess I will find out in a few hours if I am working all day tomorrow on the movie or not!

Day 67-78 August 17, 2010-August 28, 2010

Day 67 Aug 17 work 3pm-11pm

Day 68 Aug 18 Headed out at 8am with the roommate to Vegas, stopped at every Native gift shop along the way only to be a 1/2 hour late to the women's meeting(and had a blast), then headed to my aunts to get my hair cut while she and my mom and the dog headed to the house, he wanted to play with my mom's cat, who wasn't having it. It was entertaining to watch. Spent some time with my mom and dad and got to sleep late and woke up very early the next morning for the drive into Cali!
Day 69 Aug 19 Left around 5:30 in the morning, dropped off the dog, headed into Simi, stopped at the recycling center to drop off the bags of bottles my mom saves for me to recycle, then headed over to the Dmv to renew my drivers license. Was met by my friend who was driving me around for the weekend. After the Dmv we headed off to the committee meeting for the upcoming retreat and had a good time catching up and finishing the gifts for the retreat. Then got to hang with my other friend for the evening, catching up, talking, packing, drove out to Ventura to drop off school clothes for her grandson.
Day 70 Aug 20 Retreat Day! Last minute change of plans with my ride, but stayed in the solution and got to hang with my girls. The committee plus a few helpers all met early at Costco to get food for the retreat for the weekend. Split up the lists and everyone took a cart and went. I packed the cars and fit most of it in the chairs car, so we had very little in the second car. We still needed to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things that Costco didn't have, stopped at El Pollo Loco for some lunch and headed up to La Casa De Maria to unload groceries and set up and wait for everyone to arrive!  I won't share the retreat secrets but it was amazing.
Day 71 Aug 21 Second amazing retreat day!
Day 72 Aug 22 Fina retreat day. Another change in plans. Headed to Vegas just wasn't working out and instead of trying to fight it, I just decided to stay in Cali with my girls one more night. Although changing plans for the next day wasn't much easier then trying to get to Vegas, but it all worked out anyway. We left the retreat and a few of us headed out to Carrows in Ventura for lunch. My friend and I stopped for a walk on the beach on the way back to her house. Had a wonderful afternoon, and was exhausted by the evening. Only got a little sleep, cuz I had to be up early again for the drive back to New Mexico(so do the last 3 days technically not count as part of my New Mexico adventure?)
Day 73 Aug 23 Up early for the very long drive back to New Mexico. Somewhere along the course of the weekend I realized I wanted to be back home. I've known for a while that Cali is where I belong, and I did promise that I would stay for 3 months so in October I take my September paychecks and have a months rent and deposit and a whole lot of faith that I will be able to make second months rent. Anything to be back home. The drive was long and even though we switched drivers many times along the drive by the end of the night we were exhausted. As we turned off onto the very last freeway and the last stretch of road to switch drivers an old beat up pick up stopped in front of us, and a very handsome tall dark mysterious stranger asked if everything was alright. I smiled the best kindest smile I could muster after 13 hours of driving and assured him we were fine just switching drivers, he got in his car and went on his way. A short while up the road he turned into an old warehouse type building that looked nothing like a house and was gone. Perhaps it was just an angel reminding me that I am always protected. At some point along the drive I had called to ask what time I was working the next day to discover I had the day off, which rocked. So we decided we would head to old town, where I would meet Pancho and Rosie. Yes, they do exist and soon I will post pictures.
Day 74 Aug 24 We headed into old town in the afternoon and explored some cool shops. We stooped for dinner at a very luxurious restaurant that was super delicious. It was a fantastic afternoon/evening.
Day 75 Aug 25 work 3-11
Day 76 Aug 26 work 3-11
Day 77 Aug 27 work 3-11
Day 78 Aug 28 work 2-10
I haven't done much the last week besides maybe a few errands. Didn't wake up to go to Tai Chi on Tuesday or Thursday this week. The more and more isolated I become, the more and more isolated I want to be. I missed out on Na's birthday celebration, and was completely bummed. I will also miss out on the party on Sunday. I actually asked my boss if I could switch to full-time grave, and she was thrilled to have me offer! In one week I get my life back, then I can do things like Na stuff!  And in one more month or thereabouts I'll be back in Cali! Ever since I made that decision I've been wrestling back and forth with it in my head. Do I stay an extra month and save more money? Do I go in October cuz I really want to be back? Did I even try to get involved in acting here? I'm sticking with my decision to go back, but hopefully I won't be so spiritually depleted once I switch to grave and can get back involved with recovery.

Day 63-66 August 13-16, 2010

Friday 13 Nothing out of the ordinary happened for me on this day. Surprisingly I got a Friday off, a rareity in my current job. So perhaps something out of the ordinary did happen and I missed it! This gave me the ability to go to the "crazy" meeting with the awesome fellowshipping afterwards. Us Californians are still unsure as to what these albuquerquians deem as being crazy cuz to us the meeting seems just fine. It is run in a fashion very similar to my Las Vegas meeting experience which may be the cause of the "crazy" term, because it is ever so subtlely different from the Abq norm. I am just grateful for the opportunity to be in any meeting. And after the fellowshipping we did a 12th step call, sort of as it related to the quitting cigarettes of a friend. We confiscated all "the goods" as it were and he has since made a commitment to stay quit. All in all it was a rather successful day off.
Sat 14 In an awesome chain of events that had me working graveyard, I was able to attend Bill's graduation party. I slept in, started my day late, did laundry, talked about the errands I needed to run all day, finally went out to run the errands to find the verizon store in town no longer existed. I still managed to get coolant for the car. We arrived at the party around 8 or so and many people were leaving. Around 9:30 when there was only a small handful of good friends left we broke out in dance! As was noted by Bill that's always the best part of the night. The spontaneous last dance of the evening. We all helped clean up, and we were on our way out well before I needed to leave for work. I was early and had time to change and dilly dally. I enjoyed my graveyard shift immensely, getting to watch 2 movies. Alice in Wonderland was excellent! Kick Ass was not what I was expecting but good in its own right.
Sun 15 I came in and had a few hours before the best meeting in the world. By the end of the meeting I was having troubles staying awake and was grateful that she knows how to drive stick, she drove home while I rested in a rather uncomfortable position for my neck, but it was much needed. There were people over when  we got in and being tired, pmsy, and not in my best spiritual place humility was lacking and my mouth could not stay shut. I would like to learn how to practice these principles in my weakest states. I cried for an hour before crashing from sheer exhaustion and heightened emotion and slept all day. I awoke thinking that my alarm hadn't gone off yet and I must still need to sleep more only to discover that I had never turned it on after setting it, but managed to wake up when I needed to anyway. I'm not quite sure how that works but it did. I prepared for another day on grave! Movie, and laptop in hand. I was having a hard time shaking the feelings, but enjoyed my movie and quiet night with a renewed sense of purpose as to where I want to be and what I need to do to get there.
Mon 16 I was pulled over on the way back to the house and received a ticket for speeding, which I still am having a hard time believing I was going the speed the officer stated given all the factors involved, and a ticket for my expired registration which I was/am taking care of this trip back to Cali. I was issued a court day, hooray, and I'm hoping given all the circumstances the ticket will be dismissed. If not I will pay it and swallow my ego and practice my humility. Given the length of time spent pulled over I got in later than I wanted and didn't get to bed till quarter to 9. Having taken only 2 of the grave days, I still had to work my swing shift today and Tuesday-prior to my Wednesday vaca back to Cali via Vegas! I was surprisingly un-tired when I awoke 15 minutes b4 my alarm went off and slightly before she came in because I am normally up earlier for my swing shift, but I had decided not to shower because I had done nothing else the night before. It was sweet and as I managed to run late in spite of it, I still got to work on time. Work was a blast this particular shift given the 2 others were in a particular jokular mood. I was tired, and went to the grocery store on the way back to get a few things for the next couple of days and my trip. I ate a delicious microwave Thai dinner of curry basil rice noodles, watched some disney, fell asleep for a bit on the sofa in an obviously odd position waking achey and wanting to go to bed. Once I washed my face, however I was awake and have spent the morning online with no apparent focus today. Now I am tired and going to sleep not looking forward to the now 5 hours I will be getting. Hopefully when I come in from work tonight I will be very tired, so I will sleep and awake refreshed and ready to go on Wednesday! Vacation here I come, I am soooooooooo ready!

Days 49-62 July 30-Aug 12, 2010

With my new crazy, I am not used to working a regular work schedule, schedule I have neglected my summer adventure blog. My summer adventure which is turning into a summer/winter adventure.

A brief run down of the past few weeks to catch me up to a more regular regime of nightly or semi-nightly blogging.

Fri July 30 work.
Sat July 31 worked at 11am, scheduled till 7, but when brought back from original orientation let the boss know that I had a workshop for that evening that I had already paid for and she had already said she would let me have the day off. She didn't but agreed that I could leave early to attend the workshop. When the time arrived to leave, she stayed true to her word, and I was able to participate in a fantastic "wise women workshop" hosted by a new friend and wise wonderful woman. there were 6 of us women and it was a wonderful way to spend a gorgeous afternoon. 3 of us headed out to my new favorite cafe for tea, a bite to eat and conversation. We were joined by a male friend, significant other of our workshop hostess, who added to the wonderful conversation. It was a day definitely worth remembering.
Sun Aug 1 no work! i'm sure we hit up the best meeting in the world, but the rest of this day was obviously not a day worth remembering, since I have forgotten.
Mon Aug 2 begins the first day of reservations training for work. no uniform today, and only 4 hours!
Tues Aug 3 day two of training followed by a work shift. started at 1 for training, work shift got out at 11. at least it will be good overtime for the paycheck. did you know overtime is federally regulated so it does not matter what state you are in. ot pays after 8 hours in a day and 40 in a week.
Wed Aug 4 day 3, we were fully trained and this began testing day. i could have sworn i did horribly, and not got a high enough score to pass. after the test and group booking training, i headed down for my second day of too terribly long day at work. although i didn't start till 2 that day and got out at 11. the 9 hours wasn't so bad.
Thurs Aug 5 hooray for Tai Chi! which due to the long day of training on tuesday I slept in and missed, I forced myself out of bed for this days class! I was so grateful I did, too! I really love Tai Chi. When I got back to the house I packed up my things for a weekend of house sitting for a women friend who lives in the city.  I got to the house and just chillaxed for the day. Intending on going to a meeting but sitting around in pjs just wanting to relax got the better of me, and I enjoyed myself, plus a storm had set in and it was too miserable to go outside. on the plus side there was enough rain that i didn't have to water the garden the next day. but the poor puppy was scared by all the thunder and lighting and did not much like being cooped up without the option of running around outside. i spoiled her with tons of attention.
Fri Aug 6 another work day. 3-11pm. didn't leave room to go to the meeting that has the best fellowshipping afterwards. i mourn the losses, but i'm the "new guy" at work, so I have to grin and bear it and take what they give me. and I AM grateful to have this well paying job. I just would like to have the well paying job and the best of the ABQ fellowship! I want my cake and eat it to. Sooon.
Sat Aug 7 A free makeover at Sephora at the mall, hosted by my favorite makeup bare minerals. now i have properly learned how to apply the makeup, and discovered i need to be using different stuff, but still have yet to check with sephora if they will accept returns on used products. or see if bare minerals would if ordered from a store and not direct through them. then to work again!
Sun Aug 8 nothing exciting here except work.
Mon Aug 9 yeah, a day off! i slept in as long as i could stand to and awoke to walk the dog to the river where she gets to swim, to come back to the house and water all the plants, and in the process get a tad burnt, catch up on phone calls and just enjoy being outside for the day, and pack up to leave the house by 5:30 to make it to the train station on time to pick her up for the meeting and out of the house for the next house sitter to come(3 of us split the 10 days). this was a business meeting day and this particular meeting included a guideline review, which we know I love! I probably made the process longer by wanting constant clarification on all that was being reviewed and trying to learn and accept the way this fellowship works. afterwards we grabbed dinner at our favorite cafe, and skipped karaoke for the evening because it was 11 when we got out of dinner.
Tues Aug 10 another work day. i skipped tai chi because i was beginning to feel very run down and knew my body needed rest. i knew i wouldn't be going thurs either due to a training class at work, but gave up for the week. i may not make it at all next week either due to the retreat, but hopefully when i get back my schedule will find some balance and i can be more consistent with my tai chi. at work, next to our department is a temporary tattoo parlor, that they are hoping to have a permanent location elsewhere in the hotel. one of my coworkers had asked about the price of a piercing and they quoted her $20. i decided i really wanted to get my lip pierced 1) because i've wanted to for a while and 2)mainly because i can with this hotel!, so I did! I'm thinking about getting a tattoo there for my birthday gift to myself, or maybe just my next paycheck(after I pay my bills-since this paycheck is mostly going to the retreat).
Wed Aug 11 i left my phone in my car the night before thus missing my appointment with my counselor and not being able to call and let him know i wasn't going to make it because i slept right past my appointment time. i see now in some of the decisions i have made this week were not in my best interest and a tad on the unhealthy side. luckily i have broken that habit tonight and don't have to continue the behavior I am now glaringly aware of, with HP's help of course! and another 3-11 day at work. i actually passed the reservations test i thought i did not and this was my first almost full day on reservations. i was much more comfortable not in the classroom setting. i made all the mistakes on one reservation, got them out of my system and didn't do to terribly after that. i ended up making 15 reservations in the 6 hours of the day that i was working reservations and now i have more confidence in my ability. plus i'm asking a bunch of questions about things before saturday when i will be working by myself on a graveyard shift, that i am honestly excited about. i may even see if i can switch with the person who is being hired for our full time grave position, if he'd rather work swing. we'll see how it goes this weekend!
Thurs Aug 12 today i had to be up early for responsible gaming training at 11am. of course i had a 2-10 work schedule with an hour break between class and work. i went into the city with my recyclables which are finally not taking up space in my car and over to verizon to see about getting a different phone only to find an immensely long wait and headed back to work. i am now officially up 2 hours later than i wanted to be, and while i have the day off tomorrow i am getting up to work the second tradition in the morning, so i do have to get up. at least i don't have to shower or be anywhere till later in the afternoon! since i made some healthier choices than vegging in front of the tv tonight, i decided to update my blog as well.

Days 44-48 July 26-29, 2010

Monday. Seems so far away since I have been slacking on blogging about my daily adventures. I do remember my phone having died Monday morning, and I never turned it on, just plugged it in. When I turned it on I had a call from work asking if I could come in because they were crazy busy. When asked had I have gone in if I got the message in time by my friend I replied, "I don't really know, but I may have. I'm sure it was God doing for me what I couldn't do for myself."  I know we went to the meeting that night, and out to dinner with the group and to karaoke, which was busy because the contest was the next night, but I don't recall doing much else the rest of the day. I remember...I was sitting down to make a picture frame for my co-workers baby shower when my housemate mentioned that she couldn't stand the dog hair, seeing as it is my job, and I am being paid, I swept up the house. I had intended on dusting, but I figured I could dust another day, and work on the floors instead. Which took me up to the time to get ready and go.

Tuesday, having been out later than we normally are due to the busy karaoke, I slept through Tai Chi. I woke up only in enough time to get ready for work. After work I headed out to the karaoke finals even though she already sang, they still hadn't announced the winner and I got to meet a guy she was meeting. I did get to sing so it wasn't a complete waste of a trip! She didn't win, but our "friend" from a previous dead Monday night, who was fabulous got second place, and we were glad, cuz he was incredible! After that I headed home and finished the frame and made deviled eggs for the co-workers baby shower the next day.

Wednesday. It was noted that I was up early. It's weird for me to have people care and love me so much. And so completely wonderful. I am gaining a greater sense of self-love by the constant praise. I am starting to ease up on myself a bit, and trying to see myself through the eyes of these people who appreciate me and see so much value in my attempts. I headed off to the baby shower, held in one of the meeting rooms at work, and was a few minutes late, which turned out to be just fine cuz the guest of honor had completely forgotten. I helped finish the decorating and was thanked and praised for my efforts there. It's strange to me that even at work the things that I do, that I have always done, that seem simple and common place are praised and deeply appreciated. God really knows what He is doing. After the shower I headed into work. It was very busy, which kept the night going by quickly. I went home exhausted and managed to stay up longer than I wanted, but sleep good none-the-less.

Thursday. When my alarm went off this morning I turned it off and was going to sleep through Tai Chi one more day, but 10 minutes later when my calendar reminder in my phone went off, I forced myself out of bed, knowing I could come back to bed when class was over and I really did want to go. I was late, but class hadn't started because there were some women back from vacation so everyone was socializing. The ladies who knew me, remembered that I could not be there because of work and asked me about it. I was touched that they remembered. I was greeted with smiles and gratitude for being able to ask for the days off and be part of the Tai Chi class. I was the only student, so I got the teacher all to myself, once again to be praised for my efforts. I'm hoping I will get used to the praise, but still appreciate it's value. I came home after class feeling much better, and still tired and went straight back to bed till 2 in the afternoon, where I was awoken by the incessant barking of the dogs and the arrival of my unemployment check. I decided I may as well get up and do that dusting I didn't do on Monday. I sat down to eat and was informed that the reason she was originally here has found work here and is coming back home to stay. My initial instinct was to pack up and go home. But to where? with what? and why? After talking to the reason I am here, we made some decisions.  For the first time since we've been here, we have a tiny idea. All the rest is in the care of a loving Higher Power and will reveal itself in due time. She is going to stay and see if she can't make a go of her business. The guest house will now get finished and she will move out there. I have been invited to stay as long as I want, and we turned the front of the house into it's own separate apartment. So it's like 2 apartments which share a common kitchen and dining room(well it will be once she moves out to the guest house, but is currently her room). It's actually really neat. I am very happy with my decision to stay until I reach my goal of $3000 in savings and pay off my debt that is not student loans or medical bills. While I don't have a time frame I at least have a goal and it makes me feel less unsure. I find it rather strange, though that for the longest time while in pursuit of my dreams I struggled with the lack of a schedule and steady paycheck, and now that I have them it feels not quite right. Although, I am loving the extreme low-stress of my job, and the complete laid back atmosphere, and supervisors. As for now it's 3am again, and I still haven't made it to bed. That's where I am headed, so I can try and get up a little early and run some errands before work. I have a bunch of stuff to look forward to in the next few weeks. This Saturday is a "Wise Women Workshop," more to come on what that is once I've experienced it. Next week I am house sitting for a friend for four days, taking care of plants and animals, and hanging out in the city. I'm content today.

Day 40-43 July 22-25, 2010

Thursday. I slept through Tai Chi. I had great plans to clean the house and help with the building of the fence but when I woke up my body told me otherwise. I’ve learned how to listen to my body when it tells me it’s not capable of doing anything and it needs a rest, but my head wanted me to believe that because I did not poses the capability of doing anything physical if I wanted to go to work at all the rest of the week that I am useless, worthless, and beyond that fat and ugly. I fall too quickly into depression and it takes way too long to get out of said depression. So my entire day was spent on the sofa mindlessly watching tv. It was probably a much needed day of rest.

Friday. I awoke feeling depleted of my normal energy but had enough to be able to get up and get ready and go to work. Luckily I got to sleep in because I worked at 3pm. I figured since I was thrown on phones the first day I wasn’t going to get much training today either. I was right. It’s been a learn as you go process. Of course, I am a fast learner, and I’ve definitely made some mistakes, and I’m learning from them, and not beating myself up. It’s nice that my boss is aware that I’ve had no training and laughs at the mistakes I’m making. For now, until I get training on the computer systems I am an operator. After training, I will be both a reservation agent and an operator, and will be scheduled according to my strengths. Although I am hoping to remain an operator, I have a feeling I will be an agent. These are my adventures! My co-workers who work as agents currently love me, because I ask people what night they are looking for rooms so if it’s nights I know we are sold out I don’t have to transfer them to reservations for them to say the same things. Apparently this is not done currently, and a revelation. I had to be at work early on Saturday but couldn’t manage to get to bed early.

I woke up tired on Saturday morning and headed to a very busy work day. After work I was speaking at a meeting, and I had not thought about it at all. Every time I did think about it I drew a blank. So I shared my journey through the steps, which took up the 45 minutes and assured the focus be on recovery. I went home, tired but couldn’t sleep.

I had intended on getting up for the best meeting in the world today but when my morning alarm went off it wasn’t going to happen. I still don’t have the energy for all that. I listened to my body and stayed in bed until I had to get up and go to work. As I was finishing up getting ready it started hailing. We are talking real hail, the kind that rips the paint of your car and leaves puddle buckets in the yard. It was suggested to me by the roomies to grab an extra pair of socks and shoes and roll up my pants. I managed to avoid all the puddles, including the one directly next to my car, by standing on the side and crawling in, managing to get the car wet in the process, but kept my feet dry. As soon as I drove out of town the rain let up.

Day 37, 38, 39 July 19, 20, 21, 2010

Monday was crazy day, I literally never had a minute. I woke up shortly before 9 to head into the hard rock for a 10:30am appointment to pick up my badge and get fitted for my uniform. I'm glad I scheduled it at 10:30 because when I got there I had more paperwork to fill out. I left the hardrock and headed to a noon meeting in albuquerque where I was the speaker. I finished sharing exactly on time, never once looking at the clock. It's way cool when that happens. I met someone there from hometown cali, who knew a bunch of people I knew and we talked for a bit. I headed over to a friend in the programs house to clean and cleaned for 4 hours before picking up my roommate at the train station for her home group. After the meeting we went out to dinner at this extremely cheap pizza place, where I had a salad, and decided we rather would have had Flying Star, which is delicious. Then we headed over to karaoke where she was meeting a boy, and I left without her when I was to exhausted to do anymore, besides having to be up early the next day for my first day orientation.

Tuesday I awoke late and arrived late for orientation, luckily I didn't have to reschedule. It was the fastest, least informative orientation I have ever had, and I felt rushed all day. And my evaluation didn't reflect it. Although are trainer was fun, they need to either have a smaller class or split it into 2 days. We really were at orientation all day and then I got to pick up my uniforms and find out my schedule for the week. My uniform came with only one shirt because they were out and had to order some. I still didn't get a swipe card for my department or any log in info, which I will get this Saturday. I came in exhausted but managed to stay up doing nothing for several hours before I crashed around 2am. I didn't have to work till 3pm the next day!

Wednesday I woke up around 11, with an hour 1/2 till my alarm went off and decided to turn over and go back to sleep. I lay in bed for 10 minutes listening to the great music and finally got out of bed. I was feeling very stiff and did 1/2 hour of pilates stretches. I made it out the door on time and made it to work exactly as one of my co-workers did so I got to walk in with her. I got no training, shadowing or anything, just logged in and shown where the departments numbers were and sink or swim. I struggled a bit but by the end of our first big rush of calls I had the hang of the phone system anyway. There's still a lot about the hotel and stuff that will just take time to learn. My shift ended at 11 and the drive home was clear, a perfect warm summer night and I drove home with the windows rolled down and enjoyed. Now I am making some dinner and going to bed for Tai Chi in the morning. I have tomorrow off, and I fully intend on cleaning some of the house.

Day 36 July 18, 2010

An emotional Sunday. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night because I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, due to the grief and sadness of the loss of my friend. I got up a few times and just wrote, at one point I just lay in bed listening to the Zen music channel on the tv. Sleep never really entered the picture. But I lay there, and waited for my alarm to go off and when it did a good song was playing and I just lay in bed and listened to the music and seriously debated getting up and going to the meeting or just stay where I was. Since sleep was out of the question I decided it was a better idea to get up. The meeting was its usual level of amazing and we opted to not go out afterwards. We put on a movie, Gloria. I fell asleep toward the end and when I woke up and was given some choices and I decided I would try and get some more sleep, which didn't work, so I just got up and worked on a craft. Then I headed out to help do some painting on the chicken coup which is being turned into a tack room for the business. Tomorrow is a full day.

Day 34 & 35 July 16 &17, 2010

Friday, We once again intended on working on the fence, and once again plans were changed. She was going to take out Missy Mare and ride her and attempt a jump with her. I was up and decided I would finish up drilling holes in the standards. I took a break to watch the jumps, it nice to see her on the horse. After I finished the work I was doing I headed in to shower and get ready to head into the city to finish organizing the office of a now good friend. I had a nice long call with my sponsor and went later than I had intended to the city, but always right on time! We finished up with plenty of time for me to go to the friday night meeting. It is also a good meeting, and now I know the location of the meeting I am speaking at Monday, so I won't get terribly lost. She had been in the city as well and made it to the end of the meeting. Afterwards a giant group of people headed up to what I found out is the usual friday night dinner place. It was delicious and extremely well priced. Once again, there was incredible fellowship, great conversation and tons of fun. I headed back to the house and stopped at the store along the way. I found a cute new pair of sandals 1/2 off only $4! Plus got a few things I needed. I headed back to the house, where everyone was in bed. I did my nightly writing and found out a my friend's dad, who also happens to be a friend died at noon from overdosing on oxycotin. It hit home that we don't all get to get it, and I find this extremely unfair. I suddenly was no longer disillusioned about the fatality of this disease. I feel very strange and grateful that I am here, and worried about my family that I love still in the grips of this horrific disease. I was shocked at how hard his death hit me, and I cried till 4 am. I feel like the amount of sadness I feel is much greater then the relationship we had. I lay in bed and tried to sleep but felt extremely uncomfortable in my skin and got up and wrote and cried over what I was feeling. I didn't wake up until 11:30 this Saturday morning, having once again missed the opportunity to go out and work on the fence. I shared about the loss with my housemate and we talked about my feelings and other such stuff for a good hour. I cried some more, and drank lots of water. She shared with me an incredible analogy that seems to fit perfectly how I feel today: An earthquake just happened in your life and now you will be experiencing aftershocks. It's weird I have these moments of calm, then it hits me that I won't see him in a meeting anymore, or go over to their house for a game of poker and a conversation that is as deep as it could be for him, and I am sad all over again. A sadness that seems to generate from someplace that I can't get to to comfort. I headed out to have my oil changed, because it needed it and there was no point in sitting around the house all day, even though I didn't feel like being a participant in life today. I got to learn how to change my own oil, and that was cool. Then my mechanic took me for a ride on his motorcycle. It was fun. I headed to the house to shower and get ready to head up to the lady from Tai Chi's house for a bbq. I still felt rather strange but I wanted to go and get to know a little more about the ladies in my class. It was really a good experience despite my feeling strange that life was somehow taking place. Bbq was delicious and 2 of the ladies also have auto-immune diseases with dietary restrictions like mine. Its comforting to have people who really know what it's like. It was movie night back at the house, but I missed most of the movie from being at the bbq. We discussed plans for tomorrow and since the night was so beautiful I grabbed my laptop and made a makeshift desk on the porch to update my blog. I got to participate in the women's retreat meeting via speaker phone call and that was way cool. I'm excited for the retreat in August. Its nice here on the patio..I will sit here for a bit longer before I head in for the evening.

Day 32 & 33 July 14 & 15, 2010

Wednesday-the fence building day. I had intended on getting up at 9 to help build the fence between the riding arena and the field. I was apparently not receptive to being awoken at quarter till 9. I awoke at 10, and didn't hear any one and automatically assumed they were out building the fence. They were not, it's just an adobe house so sound does not travel. I discovered that they had postponed fence building to get better materials. I went back to bed for another hour just because I could. I had an appointment at hard rock at 2 to get my "gaming license" which is the same as the sheriffs card I already have from Vegas. We went through my application only to be told that all they have to do is request my card from Vegas and when they get that which should be Monday I can go to orientation. That only took an hour so my thought of hitting of 5 meeting in the city  didn't work out, which was okay. I headed back to the house and decided to make a pizza with the pizza crust that I can eat. I went to roll out the dough only to discover the house does not own a rolling pin. I finally understood the concept of borrowing a cup of sugar from your neighbor(cuz when you live in a small town, quite a ways from the store it's easier to go to the neighbors house) and I headed next door to borrow a rolling pin. I made the best pizza ever with spinach and mushrooms and sun-dried tomatoes, mounds of cheese and roasted garlic. I was surprised at how good the crust was. And even the real pizza eaters in the house said while you could tell a difference it was good. But I was just happy to finally have a pizza crust I could eat that didn't make me compromise some of the ingredients just to enjoy it. After my pizza feast, I took a run at the field with the tractor. When I started the horses stayed close, I was making small circles and they would stay within the circle only taking a step back when I moved my circle down the field. About half way down, they had enough and ran into the grassy area. They are fun to watch. After that was finished I helped drill holes in the standards, for the jumps(horse jumping terms). I did not enjoy the process of putting the patterns on the jumps, but I did like the drilling part. The patterns were done for me and I began drilling. I drilled late into the night, until my hand hurt and I decided that was a good stopping point. I left only 8 standards left to drill(I think), so I put a good dent in the work that needed to be done. I am very good with power tools. Some of the skills I have, I have no idea where they came from and how I got to be so good at them. And I still wonder why I doubt some of my abilities, such as drilling. There is something wonderful about using a power tool. I came in from the day, covered in dust, dirt, and sweat exhausted and took a shower and headed to bed.
I awoke early enough this morning to make it to Tai Chi on time and still managed to be late. I'm not sure how I am so good at that. Luckily its only into a few arm warm ups, so I don't miss too much. Next week I am going to make more of an effort to be on time. I love Tai Chi, when I leave here I will have to be sure and continue Tai Chi. It combines my love of yoga with the serenity of deep restful meditation and as an added bonus is an excellent work out without the cardio, sweaty burn. Plus it's so beautiful and graceful so it incorporates the best parts of ballet that I miss, without the hard-work of ballet. After class I headed to the house to change clothes and eat breakfast and head out to the city to go help a friend organize her office. I remarked to myself in the car out there today how the fellowship has carried me since I got here. It is truly extraordinary. It was once again proven to me that looks can be deceiving. Where I was expecting to find chaos and disorder, I actually saw very little, but when I dove into the work it was mounds of things that made no orderly sense and needed help. We managed to organize her current work project, which was a big task and I got the filing cabinet cleaned and organized, which made filing the piles I had created at my feet much easier. I was surprised to find that I had been working for 5  hours and still had not finished, but I'm hoping put a significant dent in the big picture. I headed out the the meeting I was speaking at and grabbed my roomie from the bust stop on the way. I was intimidated a little by the podium and the amount of people in the room but I peed and prayed and opened my mouth and shared about me and my journey. Others said I did well but of course I know there were things I missed that I wanted to say, and I'm speaking twice more so maybe I'll get to them. I know the message was carried, because the women whose life I touched came up and shared with me afterwards. I never know what to say when people thank me, and tell me how I touched their lives or ask me questions about things I have no authority or opinion just personal experience. I say your welcome, my pleasure, and absolutely a lot, and share my experience to the best of my ability. Of course, we went out to fellowship afterwards, to Standard diner which had sweet potato fries and I ordered at the recommendation of a friend who has similar food tastes as me the quinoa stuffed acorn squash. It was delicious! We came in and I topped off my night with some green tea ice cream made by Haagen-Daz, the only ice cream you can find with only natural ingredients! Tomorrow is when we, hopefully finish the fence. Goodnight for now. I still don't know what the future has in store, and I am totally and utterly more than okay with it, even blissful.

Day 30 & 31 July 12 & 13, 2010

Monday started bright and early at 6:30 am after going to bed around 2 and not getting to fall asleep, just listening to the thoughts racing in the head and checking the clock every hour hoping by some miracle that time had not gone by and I had slept. I did get the blessing of my morning routine and headed off the the clinic to apply for county insurance benefits, only to find out that I could not qualify even with needing medication and having pre-existing conditions that need to be treated because I did not live in that county. They had previously extended benefits to other surrounding counties who do not have their own hospital/large health care facility(such as the town I am living in), and apparently were no longer doing this. I asked the lady why they kept pushing me to make that appointment if that was the case. Her response was cuz the workers did not know about that restriction. It seems to me to be information that should be shared so as not to waste time, mine and hers. Efficiency is not how they run things in that particular clinic. I notice that efficiency isn't necessarily how most of the world runs things. I digress, again. When I first arrived at the clinic I was informed that they were running behind. They were by 15 minutes but I was 15 minutes early so I was left in the waiting room for 1/2 hour with nothing to do. Having forgot to grab my book from the house because I had received a phone call from a friend while I was on my way out the door and was paying more attention to the call then to remembering to grab the book which had not made it to the pile of information I did grab, I just sat. After that appointment I was perfectly on time for checking in to meet with my counselor. After waiting 16 minutes past my appointment time, 36 total from check in time I told the receptionist as is instructs on various signs around the building. She paged him and he arrived shortly and apologized, which I accepted, although in my head prior I was not accepting of his tardy behavior. I did mention something about it while complaining about having been made to wait earlier that morning and he offered to make more of an effort when I have an appointment to be available. I like that! It was a very good session and once again I was sent home with an assignment, of my choosing. I left there and headed into town where I stopped at the grocery store, I decided I would try Albertsons this trip instead of Smiths and discovered that I really like the Albertsons here, so that is where I will continue my future grocery shopping. Fascinating, I know! I found some more new amazing foods that I can eat 2 things for which I am very excited granola cereal with chocolate chunks and a gluten free(and all the other ingredients I can't eat free) pizza crust! I have yet to try either of my new finds. I had intended on coming in and taking a nap, but after eating lunch(also necessary) I sat down in front of my computer and such nap never transpired. We left a little earlier than usual to make the meeting which she is doing the literature commitment for(hence the leaving early). The meeting, which is the 2nd best meeting in town, after the best meeting in the world, was excellent. We headed off to fellowship with a large group after the meeting to The Flying Star a short walk away, and had great food and great conversation! There was a friend of a friend in from La and I managed my best shameless flirting while still being polite. I imagine it was quite the entertainment for my table companions. Did I mention the food was great! After fabulous food and equally magnificent conversation we headed off to our favorite karaoke spot. There was a super-cool guy, more than likely gay, there just having a great time. There were a rotation of 5-6 singers, busier than their usual Monday night. It was a good time though. We called it an early night for the all-nighters, but the usual end time to our Monday night escapades and headed on back to the farm, where I honored my commitment to myself and my counselor to do 15 minute minimum journaling plus the other more specified work I am working on, which I was at a 1/2 hour minimum writing assignment. Exhausted I set the alarm, looking forward to trying Tai Chi in the morning, hit the pillow and slept soundly till the alarm told me otherwise.
I awoke this morning refreshed and looking forward to trying something new. I got up brushed my teeth, washed my face, threw on some comfy/workout clothes, grabbed a banana and a granola bar(your metabolism doesn't start unless you put food in it) and head down the road(only 6 miles) to the free Tai Chi! I arrived a few minutes late but only into the warm ups and was warmly greeted by 10 older ladies, making sure I was there for Tai Chi, instructing me on what to do, asking me questions about where I was from and how I heard about it, and so forth. It was a lot to take in so early in the morning(10am). One women whom I stood next to in the circle smiled and quipped that she was no longer the youngest person in the room. I would place her in her late 30s early 40s and she was being generous with her statement. We did probably 45 minutes of warm up plus I'm estimating a 10-20 minute meditation to relax you and prepare you for Tai Chi, which did you know is actually a martial art? Then one of the two instructors came up to me to let me know the format for the rest of the class. Everyone goes through one round together and then the beginners are shown by the second instructor the routine while those who know it do it while the first instructor watches for correct form, etc. She let me know that I could watch the first round if I wanted or just jump in and try. Well, of course, I had to jump in and try. When we broke into groups the class started asking if I was sure I'd never done any Tai Chi before and couldn't seem to believe that I hadn't. They seemed to be content that I followed along rather well because I had previous dance experience. Apparently, dance always stays with you in your movement. I really enjoyed the class and I'm looking forward to going back again Thursday, and all the rest of the summer. I came in fairly exhausted from having done seemingly little(thats what if feels like when you are doing it but it is an excellent workout) with intentions on cleaning or accomplishing something and ended up making a few phone calls, which took longer than anticipated. After lunch I brought in some poles, for the jumps, to paint. There was no way I was painting outside in the 99 degree heat of the afternoon today! I finished 2 poles with some time to spare before I needed to get ready to headed out to the local meeting. I filled the time with a phone call from a very good friend and then a call to my mom. I had intended the call to my mom to be fairly short, but that never happens with us. It's nice being so close with my mom. I just wish we could talk more often but neither of our schedules permit such time, at least we get to text often! After getting off the phone with my mom it was time for me to get ready to go. I shared experience on the reading, which was a tradition. And while its not a great meeting, its also not an awful meeting and it still does the trick for me. Besides I got a chance to talk with my new mechanic, who is going to teach me how to change my own oil on Saturday! I am really looking forward to that. After the meeting I decided to explore more of the neighboring town only to find that things close up early around here, stopped at the store to grab a few everyday things and found a supplement I've been looking for at a decent price for a while and was very excited about that. For my first time, I passed the house on the way home, because I was coming in from a different way than usual and there are no good landmarks. Although I saw it right as I passed it so it wasn't a total loss, just a mild amusement. I came in and fixed a bowl of yummy butternut squash soup and a small chicken salad for dinner, sat down and watched the last 1/4 of the blindside and looked into more acting stuff out here, submitted my headshot and resume to a few casting calls and honored my commitment to my counselor and myself and decided that even though it would be late going to bed and I need to get up in the morning to help build a fence I wanted to update my adventure blog because tomorrow will be another full day, and 3 days updates is just a little too much. Although I have been tired since I started my writing several hours ago. Now I am off to hopefully get some quality sleep in the time I do have so I can have some energy for the rest of my full week!
It's going to be an incredible summer.

Day 29 July 11, 2010

Wow, it's almost been a month, crazy.
Today was remarkably peaceful.
I awoke at a little after 8 and did my fabulous morning routine, I like when my morning starts with it's routine, it puts the day right. We headed out a little later than we should have for the meeting and as such had no place to sit when we got there, but a guy reading one of the readings, when he was done went out to his car and got 2 chairs, which was very sweet. The meeting is officially the best meeting in the whole wide world!
We stopped at petsmart to pick up a collar for the "little man" as he's referred and looked at getting some koi, which they did not have but happily sent us across the street to petco, who did in fact have koi. We got 2 fishes for the water troughs which has 2 goldfish and one pocastamus each already. This helps keep the troughs clean. We arrived back to the house and I crawled onto the bed turned on the zen music station and i guess not so surprisingly took a nap. I awoke somewhere around quarter to 5, grabbed a quick bite to eat and sat down to work on my project. I put on my meditation station and had a lovely, serene time working on my arts and crafts. I was very grateful for having to take some time for me to just work on that. I got my new mexico state id in the mail. So now i can say i officially lived here. We looked at the barn and chicken coupe and picnic table and chairs which have been being painted by the lady of the house who is working her butt off around here. It looks amazing, an incredible business is being built here: Independent C Farms(http://www.independentcfarms.com/ or on facebook http://www.facebook.com/independent.c.farms), and I'm proud to be a part of even if its just a tiny part for this short summer adventure of mine. It is nice to help a friend. At times I can't help but wondering if it was the right thing to do, and I am assured by that voice I know is the God of my understanding telling me it is. I feel it every day as I live just for today, for the first time ever. I am still blown away by this. I am looking at the past to heal from it and not wondering/dreading/worrying/in the future at all. I'm just here today, everyday. I believe I was brought here for a reason, and only once I have moved on I will know what that reason was, or perhaps I may never know. I am just taking the next indicated step everyday and experiencing a fullness and richness of life my eyes had never been open to before. I am learning more about myself here than I have in a while and realizing that I have a lot of work to do and seeing truly what a positive environment feels and looks like. I digress.
After our tour of the business that's coming along we headed inside, I fixed some dinner and sat down to watch twilight, which was missing and ended up putting on new moon, instead. I don't think I sat still long enough to watch more than 10 minutes at a time, but the parts I was sitting down watching are so intense. I had seen it before. I'm waiting for eclipse to come out on video before I watch it. The rest of the house went to bed and I did my usual stay up and watch a little more tv and go online. I really should be getting some shut eye, I have to be up in 7 hours for a very busy day tomorrow. Perhaps the medication would work, if I took it.

Day 26 & 27 July 9 &10, 2010

After finally diving back into my self-reflection on a particularly difficult area for me on the evening of the 8th, I was left feeling rather down, and could not manage to get out of my pjs all day on the 9th. No matter how much I wanted to do anything my greatest will could not force me to get off the couch(which was a move made late in the afternoon from the bed), and of course I did not ask a power greater than myself for help as it completely skipped my mind in all my despair. Not wanting to repeat said despair but still wanting to keep the commitment I made to myself to work on this horrifying topic nightly as I suggest others in my life do the same, I asked my higher power for courage and strength and found the work just a tad less overbearing than the previous night, and was actually able to get out of bed, and pajamas, and even accomplish certain tasks today!
I did wake up relatively late in the morning, since it was just after noon when I finally woke up. The first thing I did was shower in order to stay out of any lingering despair. Along with came my morning meditation. I sat down to breakfast and did work on my gaming application for my new job at the hard rock! It's quite the grueling application, but all I have left is 10 years back work history. All the while I was baking chicken for the evenings Italian themed dinner party. At about 1/2 hour till I needed to leave and well past having enough time to go run the tractor(and we put it off one more day) I began cooking pasta that I could eat and getting ready for the evenings festivities. I was one of the first to arrive and got to meet new people. The party was fun, and laid back and had lots of great food, even things I could eat! The sky and fellowship here are unmatched. There is just simply nothing like it anywhere I've ever been. Although there is something about knowing that I am here temporarily that may add a little magic to my daily incredible encounters. There is something strangely serene in knowing for the first time ever I am truly living and enjoying just for today. I left the happenings around 11 not the first to go and not the last either. I came in and watered the very thirsty hanging plants, and had a very lovely chat with an incredibly sexy man back home and am realizing now that in 1/2 hour I will get 6 hours of sleep for the meeting tomorrow and I still want to do my at least 15 minutes of work. With that said, off to bedroom I go.

Day 24 & 25 July 7 & 8, 2010

July 7 was a waste, and a complete success because that was my intention. Although I did do some personal grooming, so I didn't manage to spend the whole day doing nothing. But I didn't ever get out of my pjs!

Today, however was go, go go from the minute my alarm wanted me up at 8am.  I didn't actually get out of bed till 10:30 this morning. So I made it to the hard rock human service department around noon thirty where I was informed I would need to take a drug test that day. I hope I pass. Tehe. The clinic in town was closed from 1-2 for lunch. On my way back into town I stopped at a couple stores that had previously caught my interest, and spent nothing. I went early to the clinic, but so had 4 other people. I was actually the first on the list for a drug screen and was out of there relatively quickly. I headed back to the house where I grabbed some lunch and a moment or two of veg time before we headed off to the city to go to Michaels and the meeting where she was speaking this week and I am speaking next week. I found some cool stuff at Michaels for my assignment from my counselor. I am looking forward to working on it. Then off to the meeting we went, to make it just in the nic of time. I headed out to fellowship with others, always a fun thing to do out here. I had a great time helping make home made pizza, sadly no gluten free crusts, this time, for me! But next time, our chef does know how to make gluten free crust, yay! Back to the house I headed. I had a chat with a friend back home which made me realize I have some self-work to be doing. And why can't I put in 15 minutes every night? I can, starting as soon as I finish this. With the creative time, self-discovery, meetings, fellowship, and what not when will there be time left to work? Yet, somehow I always get it all in.

While I did not do a lot today, it felt very full. I'm glad for the day, and look forward to, Saturday actually.

Day 23 July 6, 2010

Lazy day. I awoke a little before 1 this afternoon, and went to begin a day of laziness, but decided the glass cupboard needed reorganizing. Since I was on a organizing kick I decided to unpack the last of my stuff, some books movies and journals. I got all but one small box done. Then I vegged the rest of the day. So much for an exciting adventure today. Some days just have to be lazy days.

Day 22 July 5, 2010

Happy July 5!

I woke to an empty house somewhere around later than 11 but earlier than early afternoon, only to get bit by a clean the kitchen bug, which I did. That pretty much drained me of any energy I may have had. My head, instead of being proud of what I had done, went straight to looking at the things that still could use some cleaning and I lacked the ability to be proud of myself all day, even when I state aloud that I chose to just be proud of what I did. No one, and I mean no one was telling me I didn't do enough and there was still more, in fact they told me the kitchen looked and smelled great. I am starting to really understand what kind of damage is inflicted upon a child when they are not encouraged, when there best is not ever good enough, and there is always better. Maybe that is why I am so attracted to theater since there is always better. It is it's own twisted sadism somehow.
After I cleaned the kitchen, I ate breakfast and got in the shower and chilled for a bit. I made some lunch before we headed in to town to go to costco for tp and pt(paper towels). Costco was dead, and very strange, and it is apparently that quiet all the time. We headed off to the incredible meeting and off to bbq dinner.
Just another ordinary day. I guess not everyday can be an adventure.

Day 20, 21 July 3 and 4, 2010

3 weeks today and I'm beginning to think that perhaps I'm not cut out for the summer fling. I am definitely falling back into old habits of who I'm attracted to. I really thought I'd changed that, but maybe it's true and that can never change. And if that's the case I feel I will be single forever. I really just don't believe in settling. Why is my happiness contingent upon having a relationship? Okay I'm done ranting about this subject for now.

Saturday- filling out paperwork for the new job day. I allowed myself to sleep in till 1 in the afternoon, and dragged myself out of the bed that I never made(how ungrateful!) and lounged around at the house for an hour or so, and then in my sidetrackness got dressed and headed up to the hard rock. There I signed a total of 2 pieces of paper stating that I had seen, and read the job description, and seen and read, and agreed to my hours, pay, etc. Although I felt like it was a waste of a drive, I smiled and politely said I was happy to do it. I am happy to have a steady job, and hopefully I will be able to save some money. Since I was already half way to the city, I decided I would head out to a meeting in the city and run some errands. There was a meeting at 5 and I had plenty of time to make it and get turned around(which I managed to do more than once). The meeting was speaker participation and for the first speaker since we've been here, more was shared about time in recovery then it was on how it was like before. I thought perhaps it was my perception, but after todays meeting and speaking with my Cali friend, realized in fact that it was not. After the meeting I headed up to the Sunflower market to get my good foods, and found new things to try! If only I could get back into fully committed on my eating instead of what I am currently doing, I could possibly feel better about myself. I got back to the house around 9 and found one house mate to be sleeping and the other determining whether or not to go out for the evening. After an otherwise lengthy discussion for the particular decision she decided to go, but not before trying the strawberries that looked and smelled incredible, and tasted as good! And only 2 for $4! That was the grocery find. I shared my excitement over the many wonderous items I had found that I can eat, someone that shares my food limitations would probably share more in my excitement. I enjoyed rediscovering what I had previously discovered as I was putting things away, in a less than orderly fashion than I typically enjoy. I made some dinner and vegged in front of the tv for the better part of an hour before deciding to make deviled eggs for the 4th of July picnic. I love the tv in the kitchen thing. I was able to watch tv while making deviled eggs, which miraculously turned out perfect, even though I forgot I was boiling them. Perhaps I have an internal boiled egg clock that just knew to go off and it was in perfect time! I finished the eggs and headed off to bed, around 1 in the morning. Around 2:30 I was awoken with concern for the "missing" house mate and her dog, who were in fact not missing at all, but had previously left for the evening. I was less than pleasant about being woken from a more than likely restless, anyway sleep. But the questions were posed in yes and no form which made life easy for me, at least for the grumbling out an answer, and the gratitude is unlike sleeping meds I have taken in the past, I remember it occurring. Huh, I just now realized the gratitude in that. If this groggy in the day feeling wears off, or I get more used to it I may actually like this new medicine.

I was awoken by my alarm at 10 after 8 this morning and because the song was only so so found myself easily hitting the snooze. 9 minutes later a song that needed to have singing and dancing accompanying it got me out of bed, where I began my morning ritual for the first time in 3 weeks, which could explain my feeling a little more comfortable in my own skin today, which I also notice leads to a lot less ballzy actions and less flirtations. Perhaps shooken up routine me is more spontaneous? But at what cost? As we were headed out I remembered that I forgot the deviled eggs in the fridge, but luckily we were not to far out of town and turned around to get them. When we arrived at the park, I almost left the eggs in the car, but was reminded about them. Apparently, they were very much out of site, out of mind. One thing I know to be true about deviled eggs is there are never enough. We arrived early and were put to work making sure no one tried to sneak food, and only caught the members of the committee being guilty of such things. I was given the task of selling the apparently incredible iced-coffee, which I was also privy to the secret of what made it so good. I was asked to speak at a meeting at noon on a monday. Apparently it takes 3 weeks to feel a part of and get to know people, and at some point along the way people were actually listening to me. This never ceases to amaze me. I really don't think I share anything all that profound, and while I am aware of my gift of speech, I just feel I am praised disproportionately to what I have shared. Perhaps I downplay my ability of speech and speech comprehension for that matter. I wonder what I could do along the lines of speaking that would generate a hearty income that I would love as much as following my dreams of acting? The picnic was fun, and I knew a lot more people than I thought I did, and a lot more people than I thought were actually watching seemed to know me. The meeting left something to be desired, but the fellowship out here never does! We enjoyed the better part of the afternoon lounging in the park and talking with others. There was a party going on but we decided to head back to the house and kill the evening watching movies, which in fact we did, quite successfully. We watched Superbad, hilarious movie, followed by SLC Punk, very sad movie and finished up with Playing by Heart, a touching movie.
We have made improvements on our day to day living by having things to do in the next two days(when we first got here, thinking past 4 minutes was virtually impossible). Tomorrow we run city errands followed by the incredible Monday night meeting, and Tuesday is shoe shopping at an apparently great shoe store across from a place we are meeting to join the outreach committee for a Tuesday night meeting.
Things here are different and amazingly incredible in their own way. 2 things that in my life thus far are unparalleled here are the clear sky and the fellowship. I definitely do not know what the future has to offer, but I do know that for at least the time I am here there is plenty to be grateful for and in awe of.

Day 19 July 2, 2010

I did get up at the prompting of my medication alarm, and did exactly as I intended, got in the shower. I wanted to put some still boxed stuff in my room away, but for whatever reason that never happened. I noticed the others  leaving and made some breakfast and headed out to my counseling appointment. It's a little different but every counselor is. I'm still not to sure about this particular counselor, but having the time to just talk about what's going on with me and have it just be about me and my feelings is necessary for my sanity. I did leave feeling better and we have a few goals to work on over the summer.
I then headed out to clean the room and that took 3 1/2 hours, was a great workout and looked fantastic. We headed off to a meeting, a really good meeting and of course, fellowship afterwards. We grabbed a bite to eat and headed off to a park to watch a fireworks show. It was a perfectly gorgeous night and only started raining on the drive home. As I was driving back to town there was an incredible lighting storm in my rearview mirror, for most of my drive home. I tried a new route home, which I've decided feels much longer and only wondered for a moment if I had gone to far out of my way. I hadn't. I had an hour before the grocery store closed so I decided to do some light grocery shopping. Flowers were on sale so I bought some for the both of us. She was still not home when I got home and I sent a text making sure she was okay.
She was and I was still up when she came in so we talked for a minute, and went to bed.
When I got in I put away the groceries, put the flowers in vases on our nightstands, ate a light meal of cereal and ice cream, took a shower and steam(cuz it's technically not a sauna but a steam room since it's not dry heat). It relaxed my muscles a bit, and I brushed my teeth, and got ready for bed.

Day 18 July 1, 2010

I woke up very groggy from my new medicine, and decided to stay away from driving my car or really doing much. So todays adventure consisted of watching tv, napping, and to not feel totally useless doing laundry.
All my laundry is clean, yet I still feel totally useless. I took a shower at the end of the day, and I realize I may have felt a little less groggy had I have taken a shower when I first woke up, which I may try tomorrow. Although, I still feel groggy. I hope I'll get used to the medicine and not feel so groggy. I did get a call this afternoon from the Hardrock. I got the call center job. I wish I was more excited. I am happy to have income, but I feel content, I wasn't freaked out about having income and now I have a job that will produce it. I am excited that other people have seen me on Huge! I decided I will try and get to bed at midnight every night, that way I will get 8 hours of sleep before my morning alarm goes off. So I am doing a small load of laundry, that could have waited but had most of my unmentionables, and am watching a little tv. Tomorrow I have counseling, then cleaning a room, and Saturday filling out paperwork for my new job. Life is just life today.

Day 17 June 30, 2010

Interview at the Hard Rock day! I awoke earlier than I needed so I stayed in bed and watched some tv. I got dressed up nice, and headed out. I had time to stop at the pharmacy and drop off my new prescriptions. I arrived 15 minutes early to my interview, waited for 5 to go in. I thought I did really well, but I always interview well. They said they were making a decision on Thursday and gave me the card to call if I hadn't heard from them. I am hopeful. It's a really good position as a call center agent and they were super friendly. Plus it's uniformed(I like uniforms, you don't have to think about what to wear, makes life so much more convenient).

I headed into the city to take a look at a room I will be cleaning tomorrow, and decided to run errands while I was out, then head off to a mediocre meeting, but a meeting none-the-less. Some of the people had seen me before and chatted with me after the meeting, which is great. Then I headed back to town. I stopped and grabbed my prescription at the pharmacy. I've only been there twice and one of the pharmacists already recognizes me. It's so strange. The really strange thing is that they do what they say they are going to do. There was a problem with the way the prescription was written and they called the doctor that day and had it fixed that same day. I called in with my combat, ready to fight for my health attitude and didn't even need it. I've been fighting for my health for so long that I don't know how to react now that others care for it. It's a relief, and yet it feels like a piece of me is missing(granted a piece I am glad to be rid of).

Then off to check out the in-town karaoke. While we were sitting there some guy came up and asked to join us. I felt bad, cuz it took guts to come talk to us(both of us were looking our best), but I politely told him it was a girls night, and on his way he went. We sang a few songs each and decided in town karaoke was a dud, but now we knew. We very much like the bowling alley karaoke in the city. When we got back to the house, I ate some dinner, took my vitamins, took my new medicine for sleep and conked out within 1/2 hour.

Day 15 and 16 June 28 and 29 2010

Actually the last 2 days were very similar.

Yesterday I awoke around 9 am and took another run at the field with the tractor, and had a nice surprise of being paid for all the tractorin I've been doing. I grabbed a shower and headed off to the city to clean the house! I arrived around 2 and had barely put a dent in the cleaning by meeting time, that I skipped the meeting and worked on through the evening. Then I finally hit a stopping point(I at least had one bathroom completely clean) and 3 of us headed up to dead karaoke where I enjoyed a game of pool and I believe I got 5 or 6 songs in! I, of course could not sleep when I got home and so I threw in some laundry and tinkered around with the now, no longer broken computer. I left mine at the house I was cleaning. I finally managed sleepiness around 3am and turned on my radio, noticed about 5 songs before I drifted off. I was woken by my phone alarm reminding me to take medicine, and attempted to go back to sleep this morning, but decided to get up and begin the day instead. It had poured all day yesterday and actually cooled off considerably, so there was plenty of mud on the field when I went out to take what I'm hoping is the final run on the tractor, until the field needs mowing anyway. It is a very different experience tractorin in mud then just slightly dampened sand. And there were a few flooded spaces that almost got the better of me. Luckily reverse was my friend and I did a decent job of avoiding the dicey areas. After the run on the tractor this morning, I hoped in the shower and headed off to my doctor appointment. I got lost on the way and ended up 1/2 hour late. I was seen anyway, and when the doctor came in he came in quickly to let me know he was going to be a minute because he needed to quickly stitch someones hand. I was okay with waiting, seeing as I was late and it's costing me very little, oh yeah and the doctor was super cute, and of course married. He was extremely friendly and is actually going to have me try a new medicine for sleeping. I'm hopeful that it will work without suicidal side effects. Plus he got me all the prescriptions I needed that fit my budget. And because he was concerned about my history of addiction, depression and my auto-immune disease he had the counselor come in and see me right away. The counselors attitude creeped me out a little. I almost wanted to say I won't kill myself if you talk to me directly. I felt like his tone was very calming as if to say don't agitate the crazy person. Which, naturally made me feel crazy. Because I had just spent the better part of a few hours talking about my history I was feeling rather down. I had to finish cleaning the house and off I went. It took me the better part of the evening to finish it. And it was incredible! And I was praised many times for it, which definitely made me feel good. It was most certainly honest work! Now I am back at the ranch, I have fixed myself dinner, which I will enjoy in front of the tv and shortly thereafter, hopefully get some sleep for my full day tomorrow. It's full but doesn't involve much labor, so I'm looking forward to it.

Day 14 June 27, 2010

"This too shall pass."
I awoke this morning at 7:19, thinking it was later and that I had not turned on my alarm, only to realize I still had 11 minutes till my alarm went off, and it was in fact not turned on. So I turned it on and went back to sleep for 11 more minutes. It's amazing how fast 11 minutes goes when you are trying to sleep in. I lay in bed listening to the music for a few minutes before I found the motivation to get up. We left the house early to make it to the good meeting on time and ended up being almost 1/2 hour early! Hooray. I hate being late, or even right on time. Although now I know that we don't need to leave so early. There is a balance somewhere. The meeting was good as usual, and people are beginning to recognize us and approach us. The fellowship here is so amazing. And the sky here is incredible! After the meeting we headed to a party. I got to talk to my sponsor for a bit. We mingled with some people we knew, and got to know a few we didn't. Until emotions came in. Now that I've got mine back they are there! I got a text that I didn't want and got probably more emotional about it than was appropriate for the situation. But I shared about it, and later went in search of the truth, which I still have not discovered, and will at some point tomorrow. There was a point in the party where it was just time for us to go. We spent enough time there to be social but nearing the point where it was getting to uncomfortable to try and fake it anymore, so we left and came back to the ranch. Where I did some laundry and attempted a nap. I never did get any sleep. I am so tired and I feel like I didn't really do much today.

Hopefully I can get a full nights sleep tonight. At the party it was becoming increasingly clear to me that the object of my current affection is not into me at all, and as I examined the signs that was obvious. And suddenly now that I have my lust back and am free of the pain of my last relationship(or I thought I was), loneliness has reentered the picture. As we were watching a movie tonight, there was a scene where the boyfriend is leaving and the girlfriend is in bed sleeping and he goes to her to say goodbye and he loves her, and I was suddenly sad because it brought back the memory of several mornings together. How did I get it so wrong? Somehow letting it all go has left this big gaping hole in my heart and its not painful like it was when he wasn't there anymore, but its a loneliness I don't much care for. And why is it so hard for me to just find someone?

After my futile attempts at napping I watched a disney channel original movie that I've been wanting to see, and somewhere near the end was joined by the others who had spent the rest of the afternoon into the evening actually doing some work, and I felt guilty for not helping, but I felt useless and drained and the way you feel when you have an auto-immune disease and some days it gets the best of you. Today, I allowed it to get the best of me by not being able to let go of the information I had received.

After that movie was over we ordered "Remember Me," the ordering process turned into an ordeal, but was worth it. The movie was definitely good, not in the sense that you felt happy after having watched it, but that it invoked emotion the whole way through. I would say more, but for sake of those who may want to see it will leave it at that as to not give away anything. It was probably not the best choice in movie for us for this particular evening.

I was then once again left to my own narcoleptic devices. So I watched some tv, and am writing this blog. As I was typing about the heart-hole I got one of those good loud balling cries going and decided to move outside to not disturb anyone. It is so nice out here, I can't believe it. I wish there was a hammock and a bug candle, and I would just sleep out here. It would be even nicer if there were someone there to hold. I'm missing my good cuddle and hugger friends from home right now. And the one really awesome hugger in this town is going out of town for a week. I did get a text from the next room, I am thoroughly amused by this, about getting up and tractorin' in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be a lot of work, and I know it will all be good and cleansing for me, but the thought of everything I have to do overwhelms me right now. Somehow, somewhere I suddenly have too much to do, and most of the next week planned out. Just when I was getting used to living one day at a time, I have the next week done. I wonder what it looks like if I pray for spontaneity?