Day 14 June 27, 2010

"This too shall pass."
I awoke this morning at 7:19, thinking it was later and that I had not turned on my alarm, only to realize I still had 11 minutes till my alarm went off, and it was in fact not turned on. So I turned it on and went back to sleep for 11 more minutes. It's amazing how fast 11 minutes goes when you are trying to sleep in. I lay in bed listening to the music for a few minutes before I found the motivation to get up. We left the house early to make it to the good meeting on time and ended up being almost 1/2 hour early! Hooray. I hate being late, or even right on time. Although now I know that we don't need to leave so early. There is a balance somewhere. The meeting was good as usual, and people are beginning to recognize us and approach us. The fellowship here is so amazing. And the sky here is incredible! After the meeting we headed to a party. I got to talk to my sponsor for a bit. We mingled with some people we knew, and got to know a few we didn't. Until emotions came in. Now that I've got mine back they are there! I got a text that I didn't want and got probably more emotional about it than was appropriate for the situation. But I shared about it, and later went in search of the truth, which I still have not discovered, and will at some point tomorrow. There was a point in the party where it was just time for us to go. We spent enough time there to be social but nearing the point where it was getting to uncomfortable to try and fake it anymore, so we left and came back to the ranch. Where I did some laundry and attempted a nap. I never did get any sleep. I am so tired and I feel like I didn't really do much today.

Hopefully I can get a full nights sleep tonight. At the party it was becoming increasingly clear to me that the object of my current affection is not into me at all, and as I examined the signs that was obvious. And suddenly now that I have my lust back and am free of the pain of my last relationship(or I thought I was), loneliness has reentered the picture. As we were watching a movie tonight, there was a scene where the boyfriend is leaving and the girlfriend is in bed sleeping and he goes to her to say goodbye and he loves her, and I was suddenly sad because it brought back the memory of several mornings together. How did I get it so wrong? Somehow letting it all go has left this big gaping hole in my heart and its not painful like it was when he wasn't there anymore, but its a loneliness I don't much care for. And why is it so hard for me to just find someone?

After my futile attempts at napping I watched a disney channel original movie that I've been wanting to see, and somewhere near the end was joined by the others who had spent the rest of the afternoon into the evening actually doing some work, and I felt guilty for not helping, but I felt useless and drained and the way you feel when you have an auto-immune disease and some days it gets the best of you. Today, I allowed it to get the best of me by not being able to let go of the information I had received.

After that movie was over we ordered "Remember Me," the ordering process turned into an ordeal, but was worth it. The movie was definitely good, not in the sense that you felt happy after having watched it, but that it invoked emotion the whole way through. I would say more, but for sake of those who may want to see it will leave it at that as to not give away anything. It was probably not the best choice in movie for us for this particular evening.

I was then once again left to my own narcoleptic devices. So I watched some tv, and am writing this blog. As I was typing about the heart-hole I got one of those good loud balling cries going and decided to move outside to not disturb anyone. It is so nice out here, I can't believe it. I wish there was a hammock and a bug candle, and I would just sleep out here. It would be even nicer if there were someone there to hold. I'm missing my good cuddle and hugger friends from home right now. And the one really awesome hugger in this town is going out of town for a week. I did get a text from the next room, I am thoroughly amused by this, about getting up and tractorin' in the morning. Tomorrow is going to be a lot of work, and I know it will all be good and cleansing for me, but the thought of everything I have to do overwhelms me right now. Somehow, somewhere I suddenly have too much to do, and most of the next week planned out. Just when I was getting used to living one day at a time, I have the next week done. I wonder what it looks like if I pray for spontaneity?