Today was an exceptionally extraordinary day! I got my feelings back again. I don't know where they were, but they came back. It seems as though once one feeling(lust) found its way in(out?) they all just flooded through. But that was the end of the day...so lets go back to the beginning.
I awoke and headed straight to the computer to continue on re-installing, scanning, fine tunning, etc. I thought about my sponsor very late the night before(and as such couldn't call her right then, so mental noted to call first thing), so I called her while I was working on that. She actually answered the phone and we got to talk for an hour. Which apparently was long enough to aggravate others who felt I should have gone out and tractored the semi-wet field the very moment I was asked. My recovery comes first and I was out the door as soon as I was off the phone, with the field partly dried in the middle where the sun was beating down. I took several runs around the field, and we added logs, pipes, and heavy objects to get the "rake" closer to the ground in order to better smooth out the clumps, which seemed to help. I was going to try doing a rain dance tonight to make it rain again tonight so that I could get up and tractor in the morning, but I am already not in bed and have to be up early for the good meeting(why does it have to be in the morning?)! Despite the early hour, it is the best meeting within a 50 mile radius that I have been to so far.
After my morning which turned into early afternoon tractor extravaganza I headed back in to work some more on the computer(which has yet to have my undivided attention, or it would have been done ages ago), and hopped on mine while it was working, to get a call about plans for the afternoon, and have to suddenly get up and shower and head out, which turned out to be about the best idea!
I arrived at the house of the man(and friend) who is hiring me to come clean for a price I feel is a little high, but he feels is extremely generous(it's a really clean house that just needs basic cleaning, plus once I do it the first time I'll have a good idea of my rhythm and it will be methodical). Then we headed to an art show of one of his friends(is it just me or are some of these guys just way to good looking?) where I met a few more really awesome people. And after that we got to a speaker meeting, where I related all too much to the speaker and had another one of those realizations that "our" lives are horrific before we become miracles(and sometimes even after that). Then off to a friends house for fellowship! This town sure does know how to fellowship. There I had an incredibly good time, and I am really beginning to feel a part of. It's a lot of work to build new friendships and maintain the old ones, too. Plus it's a really odd sensation building a "life" knowing I will be leaving shortly(or that's the plan anyway). But it also seems so unnatural to do anything else. I shared with one of my favorite people here about my thoughts of having a summer fling, but with who? And his feelings were the same as mine, the person who I am already crushing on. It seems very comfortable and natural again to have a crush, and I'm not really sure how or when it happened but I think two days ago I fully let go off the rest of the hurt and pain surrounding my "breakup." I realized that after I was sharing about it without my eyes filling with tears. I feel that kind of freedom that only comes once you've let something go and notice that it's gone. I wish I could explain that feeling, the lightness, and uncertain joy, with that touch of reminiscence of the good times and really knowing I deserve and will have better.
After an incredible day I had a beautiful full moon to guide me on my drive back "home," the roads were clear and smooth and the drive back is now embedded in my memory and my cars and we can just do it without really thinking or looking or wondering. I love the feeling of knowing. The sky out here is so alluring and the air so crisp, clean, and clear. I find myself wondering if I could fall in love with this place and leave Cali, a place that's ingrained in my very being? I catch myself saying its not possible and in the same breath(yes I do talk to myself) knowing that anything is possible and I am open-minded to any change that may happen in my life. I just hope I won't do it at the expense of my dreams, and convince myself that whatever path I may take is my new dream.
I find myself feeling awkward at the praise and encouragement I have been receiving from my loyal follower. It's not as though I don't have a support system of people who don't do this on a regular basis but I somehow fear that all these things people tell me I am (honest, integrity, hard-working) are just the act I used to do and that I'm just going to end up hurting them and disappointing them and I am somehow doing these things just to get in there good graces and take advantage of that. Then I remember that no these things are in fact who I am and will continue to be and I find that so strange. And every time I am praised or appreciated or loved, I notice that it feels extremely uncomfortable, still. I wonder will it ever feel natural to just be uplifted and be in love with me and believe I am the person people tell me I am? Just tonight on my glorious drive home I found myself listening to the words in my nasty diseased head telling me that I am just the "friend" and not pretty, skinny, good enough to be the girl someone goes for. And once they've made me feel sufficiently special enough to get in my good graces so they can pursue "my friend." And really seeing myself as some drab unattractive fat "die alone with her cats" person. Then, I logged into my facebook(my first positive experience with facebook-I have successfully found my fb boundaries!) and saw the pictures of myself that I was tagged in, especially the one where I wasn't trying so hard to look fancy and realized I am not just beautiful(inside and out) but pretty damn cute, too! And I deserve to feel that way. And I should not let my thoughts about how someone else feels about me dictate how I feel about myself!
I feel as though I have inaccurately captured just how magnificent this day was for me. I go to bed with a joyous and free heart, blissfully looking forward to what tomorrow may bring.
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